the window to my mind...

When is someone 100% transparent? And what exactly does that even mean? I have been trying to live my life for the past several years as transparently as humanly possible. If you were to run into me at the grocery store, I would be the same person as I am at my job. If you were to come into my home, I would be the same person as I am at church. I am who I am, whether it's hanging out with my family, surrounded by co-workers, or standing at the pulpit.  The problem with this is...even though I have shared the most "dark" areas of my life, I have been bottling up emotions surrounding them. To the point that I have gone so long without addressing those emotions that sometimes they start to boil over. Just like what happened in 2016, when difficulties start multiplying, my coping mechanisms just want to shut down. I've believed for so long that if I can bring myself to share the facts of my difficulties, then that's being transparent. Or if I can sometimes share ...

Why is life so hard? I mean, seriously. I feel like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the waves. Where's the sand bar? Where's the calm waters even? Nowhere in sight. The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I could not imagine going through my life without knowing that I have God to lean on. What would I do if I didn't have His unconditional love and understanding? Who would I turn to if I didn't know that He is my Comforter and my Friend? When I feel like I cannot take it anymore, which is fairly often, I simply fall to my knees and cry in the arms of my Heavenly Father. He reassures me that I am loved and that He is with me. He reassures me that all of my work and all of my heartache is not in vain. He reassures me. The above was written and saved as a draft in February of 2016. God must have known that I would need some encouraging in August of 2018. And I smile because I am reminded of everything I endured in the remainder of 2016. ...