Why is life so hard? I mean, seriously. I feel like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the waves. Where's the sand bar? Where's the calm waters even? Nowhere in sight. The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I could not imagine going through my life without knowing that I have God to lean on. What would I do if I didn't have His unconditional love and understanding? Who would I turn to if I didn't know that He is my Comforter and my Friend? When I feel like I cannot take it anymore, which is fairly often, I simply fall to my knees and cry in the arms of my Heavenly Father. He reassures me that I am loved and that He is with me. He reassures me that all of my work and all of my heartache is not in vain. He reassures me.
The above was written and saved as a draft in February of 2016. God must have known that I would need some encouraging in August of 2018. And I smile because I am reminded of everything I endured in the remainder of 2016. That was by far one of the most difficult years of my life. That was the year that I said goodbye to my baby boy as he went off to accomplish his lifelong dream of being a soldier. That was the year that I more than over-extended myself to make sure that I would graduate with my BA. That was the year that our family took road trips to Colorado, South Carolina, Virginia, and Georgia. That was the year that my aunt got her liver transplant...just in time! That was the year that my dad was in a horrible work accident that left him forever changed. 2016 was the year that my faith was tested more than it has ever been.
I have faced abuse, abandonment, betrayal, addictions of others, but none of that shook me as much as the events of 2016. Maybe it's because they all seemed to come at once, one after another. Maybe it's because I was already physically exhausted too. Maybe it's because my two biggest rocks, Josiah and my dad, suddenly became unavailable to me: Josiah was in army training (this was a good thing and I chose not to be a distraction to him) but then my dad laid in a hospital bed, even in a coma for part of the time. And even when he was out and home and even when I was visiting Josiah, the damage to my soul had already been done. I had already begun slipping down that slope of doubt, discouragement, frustration, fear.
But, you know what? I serve a greater God! When I was yelling at Him because of all that I had endured, He simply listened. When I was arguing with Him about what I should be doing, He simply explained my options. You see, He said "Rose, you're right. Life is hard sometimes and sometimes it feels like the blocks are stacked against you. But you have two choices right now: 1 - you can just walk away and do nothing 2- you can pursue this. If you choose 1, then that's that. But if you choose 2 and I do keep the door closed, then you really haven't lost anything either. But if I open the door, just think of all that awaits you."
I reminisce in all of this because I find myself again beginning to question so many things, and some of them are very similar to those in 2016. Just when I signed in here to write some vague, venting post (for the first time in like, what? three years?!), I see this draft just waiting for me. Thank you 2016 Rose for being obedient enough to type this for this much more awesome 2018 version of you. lol And thank you God for using this to remind me of who you are and who I am in you!
The above was written and saved as a draft in February of 2016. God must have known that I would need some encouraging in August of 2018. And I smile because I am reminded of everything I endured in the remainder of 2016. That was by far one of the most difficult years of my life. That was the year that I said goodbye to my baby boy as he went off to accomplish his lifelong dream of being a soldier. That was the year that I more than over-extended myself to make sure that I would graduate with my BA. That was the year that our family took road trips to Colorado, South Carolina, Virginia, and Georgia. That was the year that my aunt got her liver transplant...just in time! That was the year that my dad was in a horrible work accident that left him forever changed. 2016 was the year that my faith was tested more than it has ever been.
I have faced abuse, abandonment, betrayal, addictions of others, but none of that shook me as much as the events of 2016. Maybe it's because they all seemed to come at once, one after another. Maybe it's because I was already physically exhausted too. Maybe it's because my two biggest rocks, Josiah and my dad, suddenly became unavailable to me: Josiah was in army training (this was a good thing and I chose not to be a distraction to him) but then my dad laid in a hospital bed, even in a coma for part of the time. And even when he was out and home and even when I was visiting Josiah, the damage to my soul had already been done. I had already begun slipping down that slope of doubt, discouragement, frustration, fear.
But, you know what? I serve a greater God! When I was yelling at Him because of all that I had endured, He simply listened. When I was arguing with Him about what I should be doing, He simply explained my options. You see, He said "Rose, you're right. Life is hard sometimes and sometimes it feels like the blocks are stacked against you. But you have two choices right now: 1 - you can just walk away and do nothing 2- you can pursue this. If you choose 1, then that's that. But if you choose 2 and I do keep the door closed, then you really haven't lost anything either. But if I open the door, just think of all that awaits you."
I reminisce in all of this because I find myself again beginning to question so many things, and some of them are very similar to those in 2016. Just when I signed in here to write some vague, venting post (for the first time in like, what? three years?!), I see this draft just waiting for me. Thank you 2016 Rose for being obedient enough to type this for this much more awesome 2018 version of you. lol And thank you God for using this to remind me of who you are and who I am in you!
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