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The struggles of transparency

When is someone 100% transparent? And what exactly does that even mean? I have been trying to live my life for the past several years as transparently as humanly possible. If you were to run into me at the grocery store, I would be the same person as I am at my job. If you were to come into my home, I would be the same person as I am at church. I am who I am, whether it's hanging out with my family, surrounded by co-workers, or standing at the pulpit. 

The problem with this is...even though I have shared the most "dark" areas of my life, I have been bottling up emotions surrounding them. To the point that I have gone so long without addressing those emotions that sometimes they start to boil over. Just like what happened in 2016, when difficulties start multiplying, my coping mechanisms just want to shut down. I've believed for so long that if I can bring myself to share the facts of my difficulties, then that's being transparent. Or if I can sometimes share glimpses into my emotional struggles, that's being transparent. Well, it's not. 

Transparency is laying it all out on the table. Baring the ugliness along with the beauty. Revealing every corner of my soul as opposed to simply the surface. So, here goes.

My life is far from perfect. Like so far that there is no way I will ever attain perfection. Now, the theology of Christian perfection is entirely a completely different topic, so please do not misunderstand me. I'll address that in another post. In regards to my life, I struggle daily with keeping myself together. I am pulled in a hundred different directions by a hundred different people and, for the most part, I allow it to happen. I enable others to be codependent on me because it makes me feel like I have more worth. I think to myself that if they need me to do this then I have a vital role in their life. And now I think...who cares?! What does it matter how someone else views me? And honestly, if they are taking advantage of all that I can do for them even when it is evident I have more than enough already on my plate, then do they really view me in a positive light? I don't think so. My primary focus needs to be two pronged: How does God view me and how do I view myself? All others are secondary. 

I think I have this great appearance of a super high self esteem when I am actually probably one of the least confident people I know. Now, I acknowledge that I can do some things pretty good and that I have a gift for some things. But, you see, I also completely acknowledge that these are all from God. When it comes to my own abilities, I suck. And maybe that's good to be able to acknowledge, that God is the One who gives me all of my abilities and talents...but also, I don't know. 

That's the thing. I don't know. I always act like I have the answer for everything but honestly, I don't know. It all seems so fake lately. It feels almost like I've replaced the transparency of a window with the reflectiveness of a mirror and people are only able to see what they want instead of who I am. 

I suppose this is enough for me to ponder for now...

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