Depression...sucks.

 I know I haven't really been super good at this whole transparency thing even though that was the initial purpose of this blog. For that I apologize and I am going to try to make up for at least a little of the lost time by revealing a secret that not many people know. Here goes...I suffer from depression. 

I don't mean I have down days sometimes. I mean I am on two different anti-depressants and an anxiety medicine. I mean I have to force myself out of bed a lot of mornings and plaster on a somewhat convincing smile for the rest of the world. I mean if I had the option, I would much prefer to stay at home, all by myself, in bed all day. And that is while I am on my medicine. 

A few years ago, I began counseling and had to do some serious evaluations of myself during that time. I also had to make some serious confessions to myself. For instance, I had to admit that I had been in an abusive relationship: physically, emotionally, and sexually. I also had to admit that I was not just in a funk and that I was, in fact, at the verge of an emotional breakdown. There was too much bottled up and there were too many masks covering it all. The hardest part for me was admitting that those masks were deceiving me just as much as everyone else. 

Just when I started to kind of get a grip on my depression and slowly start to emerge from that shell, life threw me yet another curveball. My grandma died. This lady was one of my rocks and one of my heroes. She raised my dad and his five siblings alone and struggled every day with major health and mental issues. As illogical as it sounds, I never thought I would really see the day when she would not be here anymore. And to add to this, it all happened during COVID. This meant those last few days when she was in the hospital, she couldn't have any visitors. It also meant that once she did pass, her funeral had to be delayed more than a month. 

The day my dad called and told me she had passed, I was numb. I couldn't believe it. But I kept moving. I was very sad but still functional. Even then I thought I must be in shock or something and figured it would hit me sooner or later. But it never fully did. Until the day of her funeral. I had been asked to officiate the funeral, give a short sermon and the eulogy. That was the hardest sermon (and the last one to date) I have ever had to do. But I made it through. 

I finished a few other responsibilities I had the next day and when I got home, I went into my room to lie down. I then proceeded to have a total and complete meltdown. I have never cried so hard or so loud in my life. And I couldn't stop. I stayed in bed for the next three days, crying uncontrollably, not eating, slamming my head against the wall because I couldn't get her face out of my mind. Then I began crying about everything else in my life. The dam had fractured and now the rushing waters of my soul began to flood my being. 

Fortunately, I was able to bring myself out of that place. But when I emerged, I was changed. I was so much more aware of my own frailty and my own brokenness than I had ever been before (except for maybe one other time many years ago - another story for another time). 

I haven't had another episode like that since...it's been almost a year. But I have had many other days when I just wanted to throw in the towel. Life is exhausting. Going to work is exhausting. Paying bills is exhausting. Dealing with kids and grandkids and other family is exhausting. Did I mention life is exhausting?

Since I've moved back to Michigan I have had many less days of "darkness" but I still have them. As a matter of fact, just a couple days ago I was stuck in that place again. I couldn't shake the feelings of hopelessness, of failure, of utter dissatisfaction. So I went for a drive in the rain to cleanse my soul. I needed to breathe fresh air and feel raindrops mixed with sunshine. I needed to remind myself that life is not only about all of those negative things I feel. It is also about all the positive things I feel. 

It's about knowing that my kids are the most amazing four human beings on this planet...besides my grandkids! And it's about knowing that I have been able to overcome so many obstacles and hurdles over the years. It's about knowing that I am talented in my own special ways - those gifts that God has given me are gifts I cherish. 

It's about embracing my love for writing and stepping outside my comfort zone for the rest of the world to read my words, my experiences, and even my innermost thoughts. It's about turning up my music and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing like a fool. It's about simply enjoying life and all that it brings me. 

When it comes down to it, depression sucks. It sucks bad. But I know that I will overcome this just like I have overcome so much more. I will live life on my terms and not on my depression's terms. I will embrace the sun that shines through the rain!