the window to my mind...

 Last time I posted, in May, I mentioned about wanting to become a writer. Well, just to clarify, I already am a writer. I have this blog, even if I don't keep up with it. I have journal upon journal full of entries dating back to my teens. I even have several started books. I AM a writer. However, I am NOT published and I have not really shared much of my writing with anyone, except for here in this blog.  So, that said, I have decided to continue this journey that I have been dreaming about since I was a kid. I am determined to become a published author. Now comes the hard work...and I don't mean writing. I mean deciding on what genre of writing and which topic to tackle. UGH! Too many decisions! Well, one friend mentioned that I should begin by just posting more frequently on here. She is wise. So hopefully you don't get too sick of me...and even more hopefully, you will share my posts with those you know who may benefit from what I write or who may be entertained by it!...

When is someone 100% transparent? And what exactly does that even mean? I have been trying to live my life for the past several years as transparently as humanly possible. If you were to run into me at the grocery store, I would be the same person as I am at my job. If you were to come into my home, I would be the same person as I am at church. I am who I am, whether it's hanging out with my family, surrounded by co-workers, or standing at the pulpit.  The problem with this is...even though I have shared the most "dark" areas of my life, I have been bottling up emotions surrounding them. To the point that I have gone so long without addressing those emotions that sometimes they start to boil over. Just like what happened in 2016, when difficulties start multiplying, my coping mechanisms just want to shut down. I've believed for so long that if I can bring myself to share the facts of my difficulties, then that's being transparent. Or if I can sometimes share ...

Why is life so hard? I mean, seriously. I feel like I am constantly treading water just to keep my head above the waves. Where's the sand bar? Where's the calm waters even? Nowhere in sight. The one thing that keeps coming to mind is that I could not imagine going through my life without knowing that I have God to lean on. What would I do if I didn't have His unconditional love and understanding? Who would I turn to if I didn't know that He is my Comforter and my Friend? When I feel like I cannot take it anymore, which is fairly often, I simply fall to my knees and cry in the arms of my Heavenly Father. He reassures me that I am loved and that He is with me. He reassures me that all of my work and all of my heartache is not in vain. He reassures me. The above was written and saved as a draft in February of 2016. God must have known that I would need some encouraging in August of 2018. And I smile because I am reminded of everything I endured in the remainder of 2016. ...

The following is what I wrote in my notebook waiting at the Juvenile Center to find out what was going to happen with Josiah: October 31, 2011 God is in control and I will keep reminding myself of that until I stop living on this earth. He is in control. I know this because I've given Him control. No matter how much I think life sucks or I feel like giving up, I know that He has an ultimate plan and it is in the works even now. All of this stuff is happening for a reason. And I will praise God in the middle of my pain. In the middle of my heartache and confusion and desperation, He is worthy of my adoration. He is worthy because He is God. He is my King. He is my Comforter. He is my Provider. He is my Healer. He is my Rock. He is my Salvation. He is my Lord. And just thinking about all that He is makes my soul leap for joy! It makes me want to proclaim His perfection to all of these sad and lost people sitting around me. Oh God, thank You for all of the wonderful things You h...

Josiah is the child that I always thought of as the one that would be smart enough to stay out of trouble. The one that would rise above the peer pressure. The one that would see the temptation and proceed to explain why there was no need for it. Not that I thought my other children would, but Anna is, well, Anna. Maria loves to do things extravagantly and dramatically. And well, Ben is a follower, kinda the typical baby. So I always thought I would need to try extra hard with the younger ones. Don't get me wrong, I had the "say no to drugs" talk several times with Josiah already. And the "casual" conversations on the way to school about smoking or drinking or such. So, imagine my surprise and dismay when I found out that he, Josiah, was smoking marijuana with his friends. I still can't believe that he would be so...so...ugh! I don't even know what. Hard-headed? Blind? Influenced? Hypocritical? I don't know, all of these but definitely a lot more ...